Last year, 2020, was probably the least in control I’ve felt in a long time. Pandemics, politics, and ‘peaceful’ protests dominated my news feeds and unfortunately, my every waking moment. I’d laugh and say I need to unplug, take a few hours ‘off’ from being connected – and simply jump right back in a few hours later.

I felt essentially helpless most of the year. Lazy but unable to relax at the same time. I felt on edge most days, unsure of what new drama would occupy my mind that day. I started 2020 with the goal to simply ‘have more fun’ – but fun transformed itself into something odd and new last year. I felt like I felt the ‘idea’ of fun, but failed to truly grasp the lighthearted feelings I had towards silly moments in the past.

You know that joke about how La Croix tastes like the ‘essence’ of a flavor, or like you are drinking an apple but the apple is in the next room? How you KNOW there is supposed to be a flavor there – but at the same time, your mind has a hard time grasping it? That’s how I felt majority of 2020. I felt disconnected from the cancelled plans, the deaths, the little moments of joy more than I had in the past. I had highs with laughter and lots of lows of tears – but even that didn’t feel the same.

The more connected I was to what was happening in the world, the more desensitized and numb to everything, I, and I sense most of us, became. The catch 22 for me was found in the fact I felt like I NEEDED that connection to feel something. I needed those silly Tik Toks and memes about toilet paper to make it all seem not so bad. I wanted to find the humor and the laughter and giggle at the idea of ‘quarantining’ for a few weeks. I WANTED to feel the good and the bad.

It’s now the start of 2021 and I feel like I lost an entire year of my life. Good, wonderful things happened. We gained a silly new dog, Brandon got a promotion, my parents were able to finally buy the land they always wanted. But it feels like that happened in another room and I can’t seem to grasp the joy out of them. It feels like the laughter is happening behind closed doors – i’m laughing with it – but I can’t quite experience the grandeur of it from where I am.

My faith in 2020 simply stayed stagnant and stale. It grew in some aspects, dwindled in others, but it felt like I was trying to speak to God throw a homemade can telephone like he was the kid I used to live next door to.

I have no answers for 2021. I have no solutions. And I guess I need to be okay with that. I need to remember that not knowing what is going to happen is not okay and okay at the same time. I can give myself grace on days it’s simply too much and embrace the confusion.

What I do know is that God is the same sovereign God he has always been. He deserves a face to face connection to me and not an ‘other room’ feeling. I do know that 2021 is a new year, but that doesn’t erase the feelings and the confusion we all experienced in 2020. I do know that it’s going to be a scary ride for the rest of our lives – that’s nothing new. The world is dark and scary and larger than we can imagine. God is bigger.

My prayer for myself in 2021 is to accept the fact that sometimes I am not doing well with my emotions, and not to pray for God to take away those feelings, but for me to able to move forward with them. I pray that I realize it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time and that does not mean I have to stop myself from enjoying something because I feel like ‘it’s not going to be the same.’ I pray that we all have discerning hearts in 2021. That we are able to seperate what the world says is ‘Godly’ and what God himself says is Godly – including myself.

I pray that we are all able to find an inkling of hope even amidst chaos, and we allow that to be enough to sustain us into the next year.